Admitting that you’re not looking forward to the Olympics at the moment is like admitting that you hate children. But the frenzy over the Olympics has become Britain’s love child in itself. Olympic mania is inescapable! It’s everywhere! And I’m bored.

With all of the Jubilee excitement, I for one have had enough of Britain being all pompous and glorified. Ironically, admitting that Britain is a bit crap really, what with our poor weather and self-deprecation, is what makes Britain so great! But instead we must contend (arghhh, Olympic mania has even permeated my language) with advertisements for every household brand wishing Britain luck in what is supposed to Britain’s moment in the sun; excuse the further irony. But will all of the hype be to no avail?


In terms of our Opening Ceremony, yes. The Chinese 2008 ceremony cost over $100 million dollars to produce, utilised over 2000 Fou drummers, and featured 810 Zhou-era performers. How the flaming heck will a British ceremony live up to this? A recent survey stated that the aspect of Britain culture that foreigners most associate with Britain is rain. And a recent study of a female magazine stated that the aspect of British culture that we Britons ourselves most associate with Britain is the good old British cuppa. I’ll throw self-deprecation and a sarcastic sense of humour into the mix as aspects of British culture we associate with ourselves. But our Opening Ceremony cannot be a classic British washout, while we dish out mugs of brews proclaiming: ’This is the best ceremony in the world! Only joking: it’s shite’. Don’t think that would go down too well. Maybe I jest slightly; but seriously, do you know a Fou drummer?

But what of the games themselves? Surely the fact that Britain has some fantastic athletes should be enough to get us pumped enough for the games? Well, possibly, yes. But events that the average person genuinely cares are few and far between, interspersed amongst events that no one really cares about. Does anyone really care who is the world ping-pong champion? Weight-lifting champion? Softball champion? Here are a list of Olympic sports I’d pay to see: an 100m relay race where competitors rode pigs through the desert, a tournament to see who could down jelly shots the quickest, and a competition to see who could shave a 10 foot beard the quickest. The concept of a worldwide sporting tournament to see who can be the best in a competition, should, theoretically, be electrifying. But the events are so mundane. If you’re going to create massive hype over an event, at least make it massively exciting!

Another reason why the Olympics has already been a bit of an anti-climax is due to the scores of people who have jousted for tickets only to be massively let down. Imagine pinning all of your hopes on gaining tickets for the Olympics to find you’ve been designated seats for the archery tournament. It’s like waking up as a child on Christmas morn to find you’ve been given not an X Box for Christmas, but a shoebox. And it’s empty.

Before you dismiss me as a cynical, anti-Patriotic deviant, I love Britain– and I do wish the athletes every success in the Games. It’s just that everyone knows that if you’re not careful, the anticipation for anything is so much better than the reality. And so the Olympics fever needs to take a brief hike, before it becomes as unbecoming as spooning with Keith Lemon.